I’ve used the millions of dollars I made from trading the cryptocurrency “Queefcoin” (QUEEF-USD) to start 5 separate companies in order to keep better track of my relationships. I do this by manipulating their stock values to correspond to the social capital of my friends.

“Tessa-la,” a pillow fluffing operation, has risen by 10% after she's taken up photography in anticipation of her taking good photos for my Hinge profile.

Recently, “Anna-zon” has skyrocketed nearly 30% once she rejected my proposal to suck her toes. Her unattainability has turned her into a total Bull! I told everyone that, “it was a joke, I can’t believe she took it seriously!” in order to quell suspicions that I might be engaging in insider trading.

During our hangouts, I spend most of my time in the corner hunched over like a goblin while I try to make real-time estimates of their value in my life. I don’t want my presence to bias the data, so if possible, I like to make sure that no one is aware that I’m in the room.

At last night's hangout, Joe and Alyssa asked where I was, raising their respective values by 3% and 7% percent. Meanwhile, Anna and Tessa said nothing, indicating that they did not want me there, and were now dead to me. The resulting plummet in Anna-zon and Tessa-la led to multiple Wall Street suicides.