There was once a poor farmer named Rigatoni who prayed to the Lord God for something to eat. And because the Lord was in a good mood that day he appeared before Rigatoni and said, “take this wheat-based dough and mold it according to your image. Boil it in the streams of waters and deliver it to my children throughout the world as a gift.” And so Rigatoni molded the dough into little tubes and delivered the Lord’s gift to the people of the world. The people lauded Rigatoni for his gift and asked him its name. And Rigatoni looked out at the people and shouted: “Rigatoni!”
The Lord was very unhappy with Rigatoni’s betrayal, and so the Lord went to a second poor farmer, Tortellini, and said to him, “take this wheat-based dough and mold it according to your image. Boil it in the steamiest of waters and deliver it to my children as a gift.” And so Tortellini molded the dough into tiny amorphous blobs, filled them with cheese for no particular reason, and delivered the Lord’s gift to the people of the world. The people lauded Tortellini for his gift and asked him its name. And Tortellini looked out at the people and shouted: “Tortellini!”
This angered the Lord the most, for having your intellectual property stolen by a man named Tortellini is quite the blow to your self-esteem. And so the Lord went to dozens of poor farmers and gave them each wheat-based dough to mold, boil, and deliver to the people of the world. And each time when asked the name of the delicacy, each farmer gave their own name: “Stromboli!” “Lasagna!” “Cavatelli!”
And so the Lord appeared before the world and said unto them: “I am your Lord God, and I created this wheat-based delicacy that you crave so much!” And Rigatoni asked what it was called. And the Lord responded: “Impasta!” And his children mistook their Lord’s agitation for the name of the delicacy, and that is why today it is known as pasta. And for a final punishment, the Lord God made his creation disgusting and borderline uneatable without the use of a sauce. And that is why only weirdos eat plain pasta.