Transcript from first-ever Book of Plague sermon

Before time began, when oceans were but a whisper of a dream and mountains no more than wisps of memories of thoughts, there was—and hear me out—there was this, uh, this guy named Kevin. Which, I don’t know, maybe that sounds kind of stupid to you, but riddle me this: what the hell kind of name is God anyway? Or Jesus? Kevin is a much more normal, people-pleasing name, and he also happens to be the divine being who molded our universe so yeah, who looks stupid now, YOU do.

Anyways, Kevin was very wise. He believed in special things like making sure that different ethnic groups don’t mix—okay! I hear your little alarm bells going off, but might I remind you that he grew up in a really small town where there weren’t a lot of minorities, so we should honestly just be grateful that he wasn’t even more racist.

Kevin believed in special things like making sure that different ethnic groups don’t mix. It’s not that he “hated minorities” or anything, he just thought, you know, like, there’s a reason fish stay in the ocean and giraffes stay on the land, you know?

I’m sensing this is controversial, so I’m going to move onto Kevin’s other teachings.

Kevin did not think much of women—
Oh my God, like other religions are perfect! Kevin did not think much of women, but he wasn’t an incel. He wasn’t an incel. He chose to not have sex because he was doing other, more important things like molding our universe. See those stars in the sky? Women didn’t put those there, Kevin did. Thank you, Kevin.

I’m sensing some disgruntlement. Kevin knew that this would happen. He knew that the truth would be hard for people to swallow. And therein lies Kevin’s most important teaching, even more important than different ethnic groups shouldn’t mix and you should not think much about women.

Kevin’s most important teaching is this:

Thou shalt not listen to the opinions of others. Thou shalt find the light that shines from within you, and follow it as your waypoint. Thou shalt ignore things like facts and data, things that shroud your opinion, which hopefully is that different ethnic groups shouldn’t mix and there is not much to women. Thou shalt listen to yourself and Kevin, for you are Kevin and Kevin is you. Kevin’s most ardent desire was for this tenet to sweep through the world, touching everyone, spreading from person to person. Rapid and true. Untainted, harmonic, elegant. And above all, virulent.

Kevin called this idea The Plague.