On Heaven and Earth

This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord Plague God made the earth and the heavens.

Now no shrub had appeared upon the ground, nor plant sprung from the earth. Oceans were naught but desolate basins of dry, brittle dirt and the skies were naked of stars.

Watching this unformed land as the aeons passed, the Lord Plague God grew tired. He knew that there was potential hitherto untapped, and stronger did the ache to access it grow. This Great Desire consumed Him, and Plague God set out to work.

Plague God gathered the heavy metals from below the earth’s crust, heating them until they flowed like river water, poured them into molds fashioned with sweat and blood by His own hands—and at last calcified them into what we know today… as bitcoin.

Plague God’s divinity was hewn from many things; His kindness, His patience—but above all, His wiles. And it was those wiles that told Him, in an age before all ages, that He should really get a head start on crypto, it’s totally gonna be HUGE.

So Plague God said, Let there be bitcoin: and there was bitcoin. And Plague God saw bitcoin, and it was good.

But bitcoin was lonely on the earth. As the first peer-to-peer open source cryptocurrency, a class of digital assets created using cryptographic techniques and also Plague God that conveniently enables people to buy, sell or trade them securely (wow!), its existence was a solitary one. So Plague God created dogecoin.

Bitcoin and dogecoin enjoyed a merry union. They lived in a garden, which Plague God called the Metaverse.

One day, Bitcoin grew hungry. It set out to find sustenance, but it came across a rather curious thing instead. It looked nothing like Bitcoin or Dogecoin, nothing at all. This was the first man, Elon.

Clutching Elon was a woman, called Hillary.

Hillary was dirty, her elbows caked in mud. Elon was handsome, his chest broad and gaze discerning.

Hillary seemed terrified, even disgusted by Bitcoin, but Elon was intrigued. He approached Bitcoin and, sharing Plague God’s wiles, saw in it a glorious purpose.

Wretched woman that she was, Hillary scrambled from Bitcoin. She was afraid of the opportunities it presented, including its Accessibility and Liquidity, failing to recognize that it granted users Anonymity and Total Transactional Transparency.

But Elon approached, unafraid. And in that very hour, he spoke: “The lament of Hillary has come to me. Perhaps she does not see the High Return Potential that Bitcoin presents, nor its flexibility under No Government Restriction.”

He greeted Bitcoin as an old friend, and beckoned Hillary to join.

But Hillary was cowardly and rejected it, even though it granted users Independence from Central Authority and had countless more unique advantages over the traditional banking system.

And so He condemned Hillary to hell, defeating the first Great Evil that our world has faced.

Elon, for choosing correctly, was rewarded handsomely. Plague God bequeathed unto him a little car that plugs into the wall like an iPhone, and 8 children whose names became increasingly abstract in direct proportion to how recently they were born.

Thus the heavens were completed in their vast array, and Plague God rested.