The Guide to a Successful Afterlife Tradition

This guide was brought into creation by the tireless work of our afterlife exploration team, who went through unspeakable experiences—choking each other for hours, doing shrooms, receiving very strong shocks from car batteries--bringing themselves to the brink of death time and time again for this information. We thank them for their sacrifice.


You will find yourself in a dark void. Do not be alarmed. Feel free to piss or shit yourself in fear, there are no bodily fluids in the astral plane.

If you look down you may notice you are naked. There are also no clothes in the astral place, however do not worry, if you place your hand on your head you will notice that your ceremonial novelty propeller hat from the plague death ritual has remained. Through careful research we have found that this is the only clothing that remains in the astral place. We hope that this small scrap of clothing will help you retain your dignity in this new plane of existence.

You will see a white light. DO NOT GO INTO IT. You will hear your loved ones tearful voices emanating from your death bed. DO NOT FOLLOW THEM. Do not listen to the sobs of your second wife, she was kind of an annoying bitch anyways and you know it. Remember that incident in Cape Cod with the Tupperware. Ignore the lamentations of your daughter as well. Ignore her when she talks about how you died, of starvation after getting your dick stuck in the bathtub faucet because “you were curious how it felt” and “steamy baths just get you curious you know”, and no one noticed you were gone for three weeks and everyone just thought your screams were the neighbors unspayed cats that like to copulate in the backyard. That is very normal. 60% of Americans die that way. Let it go. Move on. Choose the darkest part of the void and head towards it.

Soon after you will be approached by Steve. Ignore that guy.

Instead follow the sensual and alluring smell of beef jerky. This will lead you to heaven. It will also get very moist. Contrary to popular belief, heaven is very moist. It will also get hotter. According to our research, heaven is very hot and humid, do not worry that you are heading towards the fires of hell. Fun fact, this is also why Plague religious retreats exclusively take place in freshwater and saltwater swamps; we have been preparing you for this. Steve will be following you at this point. You will know because he’s one of those people that breathe really loud. Like he’s impossible to watch a movie with. That’s probably why he’s like that.

Keep going until you reach heaven. You will know it when you see it, though many have reported there are less waterslides than expected. At this point you will to throat punch steve and sprint for it. You should be able to gain entry if you have left all your material possessions to Plague. If not, you will go to hell and deserve it.