It was recently announced that Academy Award winning actress Nicole Kidman had signed a five-year contract with the Book of Plague, in which she will act as a spokesperson for the religion. The contract will go into effect once Kidman’s existing contract with AMC Theaters expires in 20 years.
When asked about the partnership, Kidman seemed optimistic: “The Book of Plague is not only one of the fastest growing groups in the 21st century, but they gave me a lot of money. Like, a lot of money. Where did they get this money? Not that it matters. Just means I have more money for my AMC Stubs A-List membership, and more money to enjoy the wide variety of refreshments offered at AMC Theaters.”
The current archbishop of the Book of Plague, Johnny Pee Pee, has been asked constantly if the partnership was inspired by the now famous AMC Theaters ad campaign: “What the fuck is an AMC Theater? Movies are the devil. I just think Australian people have silly little accents and they would prevent our religion from going down under. Originally, I wanted Steve Irwin as our spokesperson, and then I found out he’s dead.”
It almost seems like too much of a coincidence that Kidman was ultimately picked for the job. Her ex-husband, Tom Cruise, has been a spokesperson for Scientology for decades. In our interview with Archbishop Pee Pee, we asked him if Cruise’s involvement with Scientology was a factor in the decision. Upon hearing the name “Tom Cruise,” Pee Pee violently convulsed and let out a frightening shriek, like a banshee.
The news comes after the Book of Plague’s previous spokesperson, Charlie Gonorrhea, died after a violent stingray attack. Archbishop Pee Pee paid his tribute to his fallen colleague and friend: “Those fucking stingrays. They killed Steve Irwin and now they’ve killed you. They will pay with their blood.” Nicole Kidman, who attended Gonorrhea’s funeral, offered words of comfort to Pee Pee: “Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.”