How To Become A Plagueist

Every religion has its necessary steps for conversion, and Plagueism is no different. But the steps are not as trivial as they are in something like Christianity, where you can just drown a baby in water or whatever and call it a day, which sounds like bullshit to me. Giving yourself to the Plague is a nuanced process reserved for only the stoutest of hearts and wrinkliest of brains.

The following outlines what one must do to become a Plagueist.

First, as horses eat apples out of hands, you must eat AA Energizer batteries out of a priest’s hand. This is representative of the undying energy that is within each and every one of us, and also that, like batteries, the truth is *hard to swallow*. As you eat these batteries, don’t forget to chew! They’ll know if you don’t chew.

Next, you will probably have to go to the hospital. This is representative of the fact that you are experiencing multiple organ failure. Don’t be scared! This happens to us all. But beware, for the doctors are going to try to take the batteries out of you. You mustn’t let that happen. They are not ready.

Next, with the hospital behind you and the batteries within you, you will have to watch the entirety of Christopher Nolan’s masterful documentary Tenet without blinking. You cannot miss a thing. When it ends, you must perfectly recite the plot, even the part about the painting or the fake painting or whatever it is and like with the gas and stuff? In the little storage unit thing? You know, the one that they crash the plane into? While dropping gold on the tarmac? Yeah, you have to recite that part and tell us why it happens. If you get any of it wrong, we will reverse your entropy and you’ll have to wander backwards in time until you can hold your infant self and feed it batteries. Trust me, you’re gonna want to recite the plot of Tenet perfectly!

By now, the batteries should be ready. We will provide a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup for your waste. We will then pluck the batteries out of it, and put them into our dead Amazon FireTV remote. If the remote works now, we will have no choice but to take this as evidence that you are a witch. We will drown you as punishment, and if you survive this too by swimming to shore like an amphibious freak, we will have no choice but to take this as evidence that you are a doublewitch, which also happens to be what we Plagueists call it when you put a sandwich inside of another sandwich, a delicacy we like to eat on Rosh Plague Hashanah.

Anyways, if you prove to be a doublewitch—being a witch twice, not a sandwich inside a sandwich, sorry I know it’s confusing—, you have to watch Tenet again, but this time backwards. This will draw the devil out of you. And with that sordid chapter out of the way, we can move on to the final step.

Lastly, to become a Plagueist, you must eat a whole backpack. Crack open a battery, use the juice as sauce. Fill the backpack with it. You want the backpack to be as close to a Fruit Gusher as possible. Why do you have to do this? It’s a metaphor for You Can Always Make It Gush. And why not an actual Fruit Gusher? Shut up! This is Plagueism, not third grade! Backpacks filled with battery juice is Fruit Gushers for adults.

Welcome to the Plague.