Daily Routine On The Commune

1:00pm - Wake Up: a non negotiable wake up time, several members have already dropped out due to the “absurdly early alarms” that start at noon.

2:00pm - Athletic Activities: includes water aerobics, naked yoga, goat yoga (DO NOT mix these up) and the Crunch Fitness 60 Minute Shredded Core Fat Blast Body Blowout 360™ (Sponsored by Crunch Fitness).

3:00pm - Sacrifice: The Book of Plague insists on vegetarianism, so members sacrifice various mushrooms and leafed flora (Note: DO NOT confuse the “sacrifice plants” box with the “fun plants” box, as the fun plants are smoked during the 8pm Community Rager). Sacrifice plants must be completely brainless; a Venus Flytrap was accidentally sacrificed months ago which led to the Revolt of April, a devastating event for member enrollment.

4:00pm - Group Singing: A pamphlet of religious songs are sung completely acapella since our karaoke machine broke and our guitar-playing members were described as “horrendous” by other members as well as our neighbors and the police.

6:00pm - Prayer Circle: members may get up and lead a guided prayer. Emphasis is placed on “guided,” as the prayer circle was originally open and wholly member-led but soon turned into a poetry slam/rap battle that devolved into further civil unrest.

8:00pm - Community Rager: deemed necessary by our younger and more drug-addled members. Clothes are discarded, fires are lit, and the local Pizza Hut delivery drivers are completely booked for the night. This event is why our karaoke machine broke.

? - Bedtime: whenever our members come down from whatever they took or grow tired of the Nightly Orgy, they can retire to their hammocks and hope to wake up tomorrow and do it all again.