Dear Society,
We are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, extremely, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sorry about everything bad we have done over the years, which are conveniently categorized in the below list:
1. We are sorry for financing Shrek the Final Chapter
Yes, the final (and objectively worst) installment in the Shrek franchise was our doing. We thought we were being creative, when in reality we were destroying a beloved franchise. Apologies.
2. We are sorry for figuring out how to derive cocaine from coca leaves
Yes, if you’ve forgotten, cocaine is a Plaguist invention. We figured out how to make it and even started the first international drug trade, destroying millions of lives. On one end we are sorry, but on the other, it helped to fund the first few millenia of our church. So: sorry-not-sorry!
3. We are sorry for convincing Steve Buscemi not to run for president in 2020
Yes, the actor Steve Buscemi was going to run for (and, obviously, win) the presidency in 2020, but we told him not to. We realize President Buscemi would have solved all our problems had he been elected. We should not have told him not to. That one’s on us.
4. We are sorry to Carl for telling Natalie that he had a crush on her back in sixth grade
Yes, we realize how hyper-specific this apology is, such that it would probably have made more sense to just apologize to Carl directly, but he has stopped answering our calls and won’t tell us where he lives so we can send him an apology letter. Carl, if you are out there, please accept our apology (and also join the Church of Plague, we could use the increased membership).
5. We are sorry that this list is not exhaustive
There’s probably a lot of other stuff that we did that we either forgot about or don’t see how it’s our fault (the whole climate change thing). In any case: we apologize!
We hope you can find it within your hearts to forgive us and even begin practicing Plaguism again – we meet every Friday night at 8 PM in Plaguist Churches across the globe. We understand that this is when Shark Tank airs (poor planning on our part as you will be forced to pick between saving your soul or your entrepreneurial mindset).
Apologetically,
The Church of Plague